Assholes rule the world

Assholes seem to rule the world. Take a look at our politicians and prove that one wrong. Unfortunately one has to use the word “seems” because truthfully speaking they no more rule then their opposites, but they are so blatant in their asshole-ness, one would think they rule.

We all have a little asshole in us – hell, we all have assholes, but this post is not about that kind of asshole. Lucky for the definition both types of assholes pretty much do the same thing – exude plenty of shit. (See what I did there, me so clever.)

Every year we at the Hideout do a show about assholes in media. You have to have a good guy, a bad guy and there must be an asshole in order to make the story work.

Look at William Atherton in Ghostbusters or Real Genius or Die Hard – he’s the asshole in every each of those movies. William Zabka made being an asshole an art form and it took him years to break away from the role. Can you imagine those casting meetings? “We need an asshole, is Zabka available?” Asshole makes the plot move foreword, giving the villain just enough edge to add 20 much needed minutes to the movie.

Assholes break the couple up so that the romantic comedy can get a few more laughs before the predictable ending. Movies, TV shows, video games, novels, even comics need their assholes.

Real life does not.

Every day we have to deal with asshole on a level that should warrant extra pay for all just for having to deal with them. Not just slow drivers on the highway when your late for work, or people who walk in crowds in busy shopping areas or crowded convention then just stop as if they weren’t in a crowd and act as if they didn’t nearly cause a collision. We’re talking the assholes for life, to OA (Original Assholes) the ones who go out their way to be make being an asshole more then just a job, they make it a friggin life affirmation.

Hackers: Probably a group of the biggest assholes on the planet. I can get with the whole “We have those who won’t make the internet free” or “Bill Gates is the devil because he wants to make money.” Okay fine, protect and opinion is allowed in a free country. They why put a virus on a single mother’s computer? Why break into the system of a small business who has nothing to do with internet regulation or who Bill Gates signed his soul to?

Why are you breaking into the phone of a teenager who doesn’t have the sophistication (and usually doesn’t have the intelligence) to decide that music shouldn’t be free? The worse thing is they brag about it with sick pride. Oh yeah, you the man causing someone’s grandma’s computer to crash. You have truly fought the power. Can’t figure out the “power’ you’re fighting by destroying a college student’s term paper, but some people have to feel good about themselves by being assholes, so whattayagonnado?

Bosses: There had to be an 11th commandment we didn’t know about. Maybe Mel Brooks was right. Maybe Mosses did come down with fifteen but broke one of the tablets. And I know exactly what that eleventh commandment said, “If yee put them in charge, they must be assholes.” This is not saying every single boss is an assholes, but it is interesting that for the most part, those who get the “boss” positions in jobs tend to be the biggest assholes on the planet. Conspiracy Theory interesting. I have no clue why this happens, only know it does.

Ex-Smokers: Ex drinkers, ex drug addicts, or even people who lost weight do not gain the level of ass-holier-then-thou than an ex-smoker. Of course there may be exceptions to that rule, but on the ex-smoker side the exception is the one that isn’t a complete asshole. There is nothing wrong with quitting the mighty cigarette addiction, but they become advocates against smoking to the level that makes the religious right look like the most tolerant people on the planet.

Ex-smokers go after smokers with a vengeance unknown to wolverines of spiders. It’s like they found a new religion and are determined to pass it on. I got a clue for you ex-smokers, smokers don’t give a shit. They smoke, it’s unhealthy. You think they are going to suddenly give up because you got in their face to spread the good word? That’s what makes them assholes, I guess.

Fast-food Workers: This is a case where the job turns you into an asshole. I’ve work fast-food and watched people with dispositions that make Mother Theresa look like a Nazi turn into complete assholes after only a week or two on the job. If you think I’m trying to make an excuse for them, you’d be right. It doesn’t stop them from being assholes, though.

They’re minimum wage workers at a job that has a turn around rate that makes strip clubs envious. If you’ve been at Burger King for more then a couple of years, and you have an attitude, you’re not just an asshole, you’re a sad asshole.

This is just the beginning of a series of posts about assholes. After all those movies and television shows get the idea for such characters from some place. Maybe assholes do make the world go around. Hard to know for sure. What’s not hard to know is that if you live long enough you will encounter assholes, and perhaps that is the problem with the world more than anything else. Too many assholes.